Written June 26th, 2011
Received January 1st, 2012
Dear FutureMe,
Today is the first day of 2012.
A few tasks:
Be diligent. Be awefilled. Be thankful.
Kiss Papa, he puts up with your crazy pig-headed attitudes and your dumb reasoning. And he loves you more than you could ever know.
Call Grace. She is a miracle to you! The bestest of best friends and the most faithful example. Call her and say thanks.
Be in the scripture. Be a woman of the Word. This is invaluable. This is imperative.
I'm assuming you're still single, use this time to increase your worth! This can be such a time of growth.
If in fact you are not single, (how to keep this short...) Trust God, always listen to Papa and don't undervalue Pastor Niell.
... And don't screw this up.
Surround yourself with good people and live faithfully among them.
Bake a cake.
... Just kidding on that last one. Unless you've gained some crazy, domestic, cooking skills over the last 6 months...
Just be faithful this year. That's all.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Monday, December 26, 2011
Putting this old year to bed.
Here we come, gaining on the new year once again.
Remembering last year, the tiny, dark hours of the night, January 1st, surrounded by the people I love most in this world, minus a few.
No one was to die: check
No one was to ge married: check
If those were our only resolutions to be kept, we've done well. But of course they weren't and we were only speaking from under the weight of two dear sisters recent nuptial attachments which had left everyone involved so full of joy but equally drained and quite prepared to completely write off the whole overwhelming idea of weddings.
I feel stronger, surer and better prepared, having lived through this year, 2011. I've learned to pray and found endless comfort in The Word. I found a job that keeps me on my toes, physically and spiritually. I made dear friends out of distant and new out of old and they carry me farther than they'll ever know.
When my sister and best friend got married last November, among the great joy and excitement I felt a hallow numbness that I assumed would blossom later on, probably when I saw her back from her honeymoon for the first time, or the next time I found her clothes hanging in my closet, oblivious.
But the emotion never struck me the way I had been bracing myself to take. And instead God let them gently rush over me so subtly that when I wrote her a letter months later and didn't even notice that I had addressed it to her new name, without batting an eye. now she is creating a tiny child within her womb and though when I first heard the news I couldn't stop the smiles, I continued to wait, cringing for the full weight of the emotion to fall upon me like a ton of bricks. It didn't happen when she first started to show. It didn't happen when I was in the baby store purchasing sweet, tiny outfits, it probably won't happen the first time I see it kick or hear it cry and I could just wait, and wait for it to hit me ten years down the road when she is no doubt pregnant again, her and her faithful husband, raising three more little covenant children. But I don't think it ever will. Life doesn't make slam dunks. God has so protected me from these emotional attacks. He slips them gently under the rug for me to tread on, He drops them silently onto my coffee. He defends me from tidal waves of realization and wards off dark shadows of sorrow that would swallow me. I am so thankful for this.
Im learning to be faithful. In work, at home, in relationships. Always in response to His own faithfulness. He loved me first.
Starting in small things, I daily remind myself that He has been, therefor so must I be faithful.
Contentment was one of my self-challenges this summer. There is so much peace to be found in contentment. We often think of Peace as something that comes over us, a feeling apart from our will which happens to us. But really, Peace is no different than Contentment. We must work to attain both. When I have worked to be content, peace does come.
So thankful. For struggles in this life, for great victories. For warrior friends who come alongside me. For the fellowship of the saints, for a faithful sheppard, my pastor. So many blessings.
Every season is full of adventures. I want to find adventures.
I don't know what this coming year will hold. I am not afraid.
Remembering last year, the tiny, dark hours of the night, January 1st, surrounded by the people I love most in this world, minus a few.
No one was to die: check
No one was to ge married: check
If those were our only resolutions to be kept, we've done well. But of course they weren't and we were only speaking from under the weight of two dear sisters recent nuptial attachments which had left everyone involved so full of joy but equally drained and quite prepared to completely write off the whole overwhelming idea of weddings.
I feel stronger, surer and better prepared, having lived through this year, 2011. I've learned to pray and found endless comfort in The Word. I found a job that keeps me on my toes, physically and spiritually. I made dear friends out of distant and new out of old and they carry me farther than they'll ever know.
When my sister and best friend got married last November, among the great joy and excitement I felt a hallow numbness that I assumed would blossom later on, probably when I saw her back from her honeymoon for the first time, or the next time I found her clothes hanging in my closet, oblivious.
But the emotion never struck me the way I had been bracing myself to take. And instead God let them gently rush over me so subtly that when I wrote her a letter months later and didn't even notice that I had addressed it to her new name, without batting an eye. now she is creating a tiny child within her womb and though when I first heard the news I couldn't stop the smiles, I continued to wait, cringing for the full weight of the emotion to fall upon me like a ton of bricks. It didn't happen when she first started to show. It didn't happen when I was in the baby store purchasing sweet, tiny outfits, it probably won't happen the first time I see it kick or hear it cry and I could just wait, and wait for it to hit me ten years down the road when she is no doubt pregnant again, her and her faithful husband, raising three more little covenant children. But I don't think it ever will. Life doesn't make slam dunks. God has so protected me from these emotional attacks. He slips them gently under the rug for me to tread on, He drops them silently onto my coffee. He defends me from tidal waves of realization and wards off dark shadows of sorrow that would swallow me. I am so thankful for this.
Im learning to be faithful. In work, at home, in relationships. Always in response to His own faithfulness. He loved me first.
Starting in small things, I daily remind myself that He has been, therefor so must I be faithful.
Contentment was one of my self-challenges this summer. There is so much peace to be found in contentment. We often think of Peace as something that comes over us, a feeling apart from our will which happens to us. But really, Peace is no different than Contentment. We must work to attain both. When I have worked to be content, peace does come.
So thankful. For struggles in this life, for great victories. For warrior friends who come alongside me. For the fellowship of the saints, for a faithful sheppard, my pastor. So many blessings.
Every season is full of adventures. I want to find adventures.
I don't know what this coming year will hold. I am not afraid.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Fighting
Fighting, rebellious, against the things that would humble me. Against the reality of my own ignorance. Against the heavy hand of grace, ready to secure me.
How much we need forgiveness. Yet we insist on alibis and outward blame.
And just as we're pressing and pushing the blame from ourselves, we are separating ourselves from the knowledge that we need forgiveness and even, in the process, making ourselves think we are unforgivable.
"...then I remember Jonah accusing God of overlenience, of foolishness, mercy, and compassion.
We desperately need the foolishness of God"
- A Circle of Quiet by Madeleine L'engle.
I feel desperate at times. Desperately unfit.
Christ, save me.
How much we need forgiveness. Yet we insist on alibis and outward blame.
And just as we're pressing and pushing the blame from ourselves, we are separating ourselves from the knowledge that we need forgiveness and even, in the process, making ourselves think we are unforgivable.
"...then I remember Jonah accusing God of overlenience, of foolishness, mercy, and compassion.
We desperately need the foolishness of God"
- A Circle of Quiet by Madeleine L'engle.
I feel desperate at times. Desperately unfit.
Christ, save me.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Sometimes I wish
I could make music.
Of my own.
Not just repeat the music from other's mouths.
If I could, I would write a song about the feeling you get when someone is standing close to you and all you want them to do is hug you.
But they don't.
That feeling of reaching out with your mind.
Trying to look as huggable as possible.
Then just giving in and hugging them instead.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Talking to my ceiling.
If I wrote music I think I would travel the world. I think I would have to. Ideas and words get so stale when you're stuck in one place. But images don't. So I take pictures instead.
Madeliene L'engle says we're all, every one of us, afraid of the dark.
Is that why my mind is so active, as I am curled up, wrapped in night, trying to sleep but talking myself up and down. Am I simply protecting myself from darkness and all the heavy fears that would break into my head?
I thought i loved the darkness.
When silence screams.
When truth imprisons.
When love lies.
Then what?
Madeliene L'engle says we're all, every one of us, afraid of the dark.
Is that why my mind is so active, as I am curled up, wrapped in night, trying to sleep but talking myself up and down. Am I simply protecting myself from darkness and all the heavy fears that would break into my head?
I thought i loved the darkness.
When silence screams.
When truth imprisons.
When love lies.
Then what?
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Contentment
I like to set goals. This month my challenge and conviction had to do with discontent and unthankfulness.
What does it mean to be content? And is it different then thankfulness? I think a thankful heart is a content one and a content spirit is a thankful one but at the same time they are different responses to different situations.
Usually the presents of contentment implies that something, anything is wrong. But you have chosen to rejoice in it and the full and complete plan of God nonetheless, trusting His will for your life and His purpose in all things.
Thankfulness is generally a response to something positives that has happened or appeared in your life that humbles your soul and reminds you of the kindness of the Lord.
I think it is easier to be thankful than to be content.
Every day I thank the Lord for food, but every day between meals I complain of hunger. Discontent with not having right now.
Giving thanks in the midst of a crisis or negative happening is difficult. Oh how hard it is to turn to Christ in complete submission to His will when your car breaks down or you lose your job. But I think that is really what it takes, full contentment is unshaking trust and unwavering faith.
It takes practice. A lot of practice in the little things.
When plans change and I end up working later than expected. When my bathroom is down and I have to use my parents shower for a week. When Papa is struggling for work...
Discontent is generally a female sin. I'm sure boys are discontent on occasion but I've only ever met a very few who are complainers. Everything is wrong to him, his life is a mess, he wants to get out of his parents house, he doesnt get enough freedom and so on.
His constant stream of whining has a way of demasculanizing him. Leaving him low in the oppinion of others.
But women are the prime offenders of this and we know it. And others know it. We must become woman of contentment.
I want to be that woman, content in all things, peaceful when trials present themselves, happy. Trusting. Faithful.
What does it mean to be content? And is it different then thankfulness? I think a thankful heart is a content one and a content spirit is a thankful one but at the same time they are different responses to different situations.
Usually the presents of contentment implies that something, anything is wrong. But you have chosen to rejoice in it and the full and complete plan of God nonetheless, trusting His will for your life and His purpose in all things.
Thankfulness is generally a response to something positives that has happened or appeared in your life that humbles your soul and reminds you of the kindness of the Lord.
I think it is easier to be thankful than to be content.
Every day I thank the Lord for food, but every day between meals I complain of hunger. Discontent with not having right now.
Giving thanks in the midst of a crisis or negative happening is difficult. Oh how hard it is to turn to Christ in complete submission to His will when your car breaks down or you lose your job. But I think that is really what it takes, full contentment is unshaking trust and unwavering faith.
It takes practice. A lot of practice in the little things.
When plans change and I end up working later than expected. When my bathroom is down and I have to use my parents shower for a week. When Papa is struggling for work...
Discontent is generally a female sin. I'm sure boys are discontent on occasion but I've only ever met a very few who are complainers. Everything is wrong to him, his life is a mess, he wants to get out of his parents house, he doesnt get enough freedom and so on.
His constant stream of whining has a way of demasculanizing him. Leaving him low in the oppinion of others.
But women are the prime offenders of this and we know it. And others know it. We must become woman of contentment.
I want to be that woman, content in all things, peaceful when trials present themselves, happy. Trusting. Faithful.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
I'm so sorry.
I never want to drive to the hospital in such urgent, chilling despair again. I never want to fight against the city's nightlife like that again, windshieldwipers doing nothing to clear the wet from my eyes.
Seeing a tiny child, bodily stable but fatherless. Ignorant.
Watching the pain in my papa shake his frame and bend his shoulders.
Why do we apologize when someone is suffering, regardless of whether or not it involves our sin or downfall.
When someone loses someone dear.
When someone is struggling in love, career or health.
Are we meaning to say "I'm sorry I can have something you can not"?
Maybe "I'm so sorry I cant help you bring them back"
Grief is merciless. Experiencing someone close greaving is crippling. And with wet lashes and tight, holding embraces all I can say is "I'm so sorry". For what?
Seeing a tiny child, bodily stable but fatherless. Ignorant.
Watching the pain in my papa shake his frame and bend his shoulders.
Why do we apologize when someone is suffering, regardless of whether or not it involves our sin or downfall.
When someone loses someone dear.
When someone is struggling in love, career or health.
Are we meaning to say "I'm sorry I can have something you can not"?
Maybe "I'm so sorry I cant help you bring them back"
Grief is merciless. Experiencing someone close greaving is crippling. And with wet lashes and tight, holding embraces all I can say is "I'm so sorry". For what?
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
This storm
Hot air against cold air. Cold wins, shoving the hot to anywhere else. Wind all together moving. Then, shoots of harsh winds yelling at the trees. Picking up, picking up! Thunder roars and light opens the night.
Wind pulling my hair. Blowing a wall against my face. Growling thunder. Warm breeze from my feet throwing pebbles of rain at my eyes. Sky is bright as noon for a second then gray like factory smog. Gentle waves, then whipping my hair and feathers back. Tingle.
Clicking leaves across the street. Running away.
Heat from the cement burns the soles of my feet but my legs shiver as I hug my body with my arms in the cold, ecstatic!
Weighty drops, heavy like the mouns of thunder, pelting shoulders, cheeks, brow.
Can't find the moon. Stars, gone. Trees are shaking themselves, waking from day's slumber every limb.
My hair trembles and catches the streetlight. Eliminated. Blown across my face striping my vision with gold cracks. Like lightning.
Shivering light. Flickering. Dying. Rain, gentler. Subsiding.
Calm. Traces of birthed clouds. Smell of wet earth. Faint rumble of distance. Silence creeping in. Heavy, authoritative silence. Daring a noise. None.
[This is the raw draft of what, I suppose, will become a real post. As I stood on my street at night and felt a storm wash in I took these notes. Snippets. I'm sorry it's hard to read, I wasn't meaning to blog. Only somehow tell a story from a storm.]
Wind pulling my hair. Blowing a wall against my face. Growling thunder. Warm breeze from my feet throwing pebbles of rain at my eyes. Sky is bright as noon for a second then gray like factory smog. Gentle waves, then whipping my hair and feathers back. Tingle.
Clicking leaves across the street. Running away.
Heat from the cement burns the soles of my feet but my legs shiver as I hug my body with my arms in the cold, ecstatic!
Weighty drops, heavy like the mouns of thunder, pelting shoulders, cheeks, brow.
Can't find the moon. Stars, gone. Trees are shaking themselves, waking from day's slumber every limb.
My hair trembles and catches the streetlight. Eliminated. Blown across my face striping my vision with gold cracks. Like lightning.
Shivering light. Flickering. Dying. Rain, gentler. Subsiding.
Calm. Traces of birthed clouds. Smell of wet earth. Faint rumble of distance. Silence creeping in. Heavy, authoritative silence. Daring a noise. None.
[This is the raw draft of what, I suppose, will become a real post. As I stood on my street at night and felt a storm wash in I took these notes. Snippets. I'm sorry it's hard to read, I wasn't meaning to blog. Only somehow tell a story from a storm.]
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Embarrassing fact:
Girls, we don't know how to take compliments from guys.
Guys don't know how to compliment girls.
The desolation and break-down of old fashion chivalry -for the most part, has lead to this. It simply makes us uncomfortable when a guy tells us we look nice, but this rarely happens where a crush, blindness or alcohol isn't involved.
This is unfortunate indeed.
Girls, we spend a lot of time and energy trying to look nice especially for times when minimal makeup and ponytail won't cut it, like a dance, church or evening out. Why does it make us feel nervous and awkward when a guy tells us "you look pretty"?
Perhaps it's caused by the lack of respect girl and guy friends have for eachother in our culture. Young men are not protecting and honouring their sisters in Christ. Young women are not being hounorable and pure, resulting in distrust and wariness of any boy who would compliment us without a double motive or sarcasm, and boys who don't want to.
Perhaps in a world of digital, shallow profile-picture compliments, we aren't used to genuine, human interaction and are caught off-guard when we encounter it.
Guys shouln't be afraid to compliment a girl. girls, we shouldn't be afraid to answer a compliment with an honoured "thank you"
Thoughts?
Guys don't know how to compliment girls.
The desolation and break-down of old fashion chivalry -for the most part, has lead to this. It simply makes us uncomfortable when a guy tells us we look nice, but this rarely happens where a crush, blindness or alcohol isn't involved.
This is unfortunate indeed.
Girls, we spend a lot of time and energy trying to look nice especially for times when minimal makeup and ponytail won't cut it, like a dance, church or evening out. Why does it make us feel nervous and awkward when a guy tells us "you look pretty"?
Perhaps it's caused by the lack of respect girl and guy friends have for eachother in our culture. Young men are not protecting and honouring their sisters in Christ. Young women are not being hounorable and pure, resulting in distrust and wariness of any boy who would compliment us without a double motive or sarcasm, and boys who don't want to.
Perhaps in a world of digital, shallow profile-picture compliments, we aren't used to genuine, human interaction and are caught off-guard when we encounter it.
Guys shouln't be afraid to compliment a girl. girls, we shouldn't be afraid to answer a compliment with an honoured "thank you"
Thoughts?
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